[truth vs. emotion]

"without faith it is impossible to please god."

hm...i guess i should do something about that then. i am definitely someone who has a hard time with faith. i "know" the truth and the "correct answer" to many a dilemma and difficult situation thanks to my years of training in the word; however, often times it seems that there is some sort of a disconnect between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart actually believes to be truth.

for instance, lately, i have had this thing with the goodness of god. a thing where i'm not sure i'm actually understanding what it means for god to be good. it's like i believe god is "good" but in some abstract way. in a way that benefits "all people" but not specifically me. like god wants the best for everyone in a general sense but not necessarily the best for me in a more personal way. those verses about laying down my life, being the least of these, and suffering trials of many kinds come to mind in all this...i know that god's ways are higher than mine and that he really does love me and is intimately acquainted with all of my ways, but for some reason, i'm back to the place where i feel like my life is just going to be hard and not fun or emotionally fulfilling every day from now until the day that i die. it's like i'm despairing because i do not believe that i will see god's goodness in the land of the living or i don't understand what that goodness will look like and therefore will be unable to recognize it.

my perspective is wrong. i know that it's wrong, but i'm having trouble getting rid of it. i know that at least part of the problem stems from the fact that i am focused on me and not on the lord. if i just take my eyes off of myself for two seconds, i'm sure i will see things more clearly.

apparently this was true confession blog. why i'm telling the whole world how yucky of a sinner i am, i'm not totally sure, but here i am in all my selfish sinfulness. how it is that god still loves me despite my selfish yuckiness, my mind cannot comprehend.

help me to fix my eyes on you, lord. i know that you know best and that life with you is better than anything else. your plans are good, your ways are higher, you are a good god who is intimately acquainted with all of my ways. please help me to accept and respond to your discipline. i want to be more like you, but i can't do it by myself. i NEED you!