<-- dIrEcTiOn -->

which way to go? what to focus on? how to prioritize? these are my questions. looking ahead to 2008, wanting it to be "great." i am trying to spend some time thinking about what my role needs to be in that...i want to live my life to the fullest and make the most of every opporunity. i want to avoid the common traps of storing up treasure on earth and leaving my storage space in heaven vacant. i want to resist the pressure of making work my life and pleasing people my goal. i want to be who god made me to be, live how he wants me to live, and invest where he has for me to invest. he already has good works planned out for me; i don't need to veer off the path and try to create my own.

i want to have an attitude like christ jesus, who being god in the flesh did not consider equality with god something to go after, but instead, made himself a servant. so...where do i begin? and how do i avoid making my life all about "doing" the right thing? i definitely want to have the relational basis in place. i want what i do to be the overflow of an intimate relationship with jesus christ. i want jesus to be the motivating factor behind all of my actions and decisions. i guess that is where all of this begins. establishing relational intimacy with the creator of the universe. glad he didn't make it complicated. he made it pretty simple in fact. all i need to do is spend time at his feet and in his word. time and humility. willingness to allow him to make me into who he has designed me to be all along. why wouldn't i want to be that person? cuz it's hard, scary, unknown to me. well, all those things aside, it is so much better than anything else i could imagine. so what direction am i headed in 2008? hopefully, wherever the lord leads. glad i have the holy spirit as my personal guide. :-)

standing on the rock.

the other day i had this thought that the theme of 2008 may be "set your feet upon the rock." thinking back to the last month and looking ahead to the next months, it makes a lot of sense that this would be the theme...all this sounds very challenging and not any easier or more comfortable than last year. :-( i guess god's not really into easy or comfortable for that matter. his goal is my character not my comfort. so true. not that life with jesus won't ever be fun, but it's certainly not all fun and games. jesus' life wasn't like that, why would i expect mine to be?

last year's theme was "fix your eyes on jesus." god's plan is not for me to live some safe, comfortable, status quo life so i better give up any remnant of that dream right now! help me, lord! setting my feet upon the rock. my foundation needs to be the rock. that way when the rains come down and the floods come up, the house on the rock will stand firm. no matter what people say, no matter the opposition, the discomfort, no matter what, i need to stand firm on the rock. jesus is that rock, and his word has to be my foundation. so much to learn...2008 here we come.

looking forward...

yesterday at work, i was telling someone that i work with how i am glad that 2007 is almost over because it's been a challenging year. not that i don't appreciate a good challenge from time to time, but a year of various challenges and many seemingly dry times is not my favorite thing in the world. don't get me wrong, i am grateful for 2007 and all the lord taught me through various circumstances, etc., but i am also very ready for a change. however, after telling this person that i was ready for 2007 to be over, she asked me what i was looking forward to in 2008. that was a good question, and one that caught me off guard. what am i looking forward to in 2008? what is going to make it different and, for that matter, better than 2007? the only response i could come up with on the spot was that i am looking forward to my new living situation. other than that, i didn't have anything to say really. i guess it's time for a vision for 2008 which means a conversation with the lord. or multiple conversations for that matter. let's see if he has anything to say about 2008...

remembering.

this past week, i spent some time looking through old journal entries, trying to recall things the lord has taught me this past year. as 2007 is coming to a close (praise the lord for that!!), i am trying to get a recap of what all happened this year. there have been quite a few life lessons. check out the partial listing:

1. my eyes need to be fixed on jesus the author and perfector of my faith not on circumstances, myself, or others.
2. life is going to be hard, and i'm not always going to like it.
3. my hope needs to be in the lord. when i hope in him, i will not be disappointed.
4. god really does know best, and his plans really are good. i just need to trust him.
5. surrender is not this mysterious thing i am incapable of. surrender is simply acknowledging i don't know best, giving up, and deciding to follow the lord.
6. honesty and openness really are the best policy, especially when it comes to relational things.
7. god will provide!

so simple, yet so easy to stray from these truths and try to do things my way. for the record, it is not a good idea. do what jesus tells you to do even if it seems really hard, awkward, or not fun. in the end, it really is best. he knows what he's doing, and he knows you better than you know yourself. our god is good, faithful, and fully trustworthy. more jesus and less lisa. this is what i need in life. :-)

(dis)engaged.

jesus did not put us here on this earth to be completely disengaged with what is going on in the world around us. he has us exactly where we are for a reason, and it is not for us to be oblivious to our surroundings. often times, it seems that it is easy for us as christians to separate ourselves out from the world to such an extent that we are no longer salt and light. when jesus was walking this earth, this was not the way he lived his life. in fact, jesus was very engaged in his surroundings. he took an active approach to entering into the lives of others in his sphere of influence. this is not to say that we are to become like the world. by no means! we are to be separate from the world in behavior and attitude to be sure, but we are still to be in the world. "in the world, but not of it." there seems to be a fine line between the two, and the successful completion of this task requires the presence of the holy spirit in one's life. it's gotta be the lord. on our own, we just can't pull it off, but with jesus, all things are possible!

all i need.

colossians 1:17 "he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

2 peter 1:3 "seeing that his divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and excellence."

i have all i need in jesus. now all i need to do is take hold of what he has given me, namely himself. :-)

help me, lord!!

[truth vs. emotion]

"without faith it is impossible to please god."

hm...i guess i should do something about that then. i am definitely someone who has a hard time with faith. i "know" the truth and the "correct answer" to many a dilemma and difficult situation thanks to my years of training in the word; however, often times it seems that there is some sort of a disconnect between what my mind knows to be true and what my heart actually believes to be truth.

for instance, lately, i have had this thing with the goodness of god. a thing where i'm not sure i'm actually understanding what it means for god to be good. it's like i believe god is "good" but in some abstract way. in a way that benefits "all people" but not specifically me. like god wants the best for everyone in a general sense but not necessarily the best for me in a more personal way. those verses about laying down my life, being the least of these, and suffering trials of many kinds come to mind in all this...i know that god's ways are higher than mine and that he really does love me and is intimately acquainted with all of my ways, but for some reason, i'm back to the place where i feel like my life is just going to be hard and not fun or emotionally fulfilling every day from now until the day that i die. it's like i'm despairing because i do not believe that i will see god's goodness in the land of the living or i don't understand what that goodness will look like and therefore will be unable to recognize it.

my perspective is wrong. i know that it's wrong, but i'm having trouble getting rid of it. i know that at least part of the problem stems from the fact that i am focused on me and not on the lord. if i just take my eyes off of myself for two seconds, i'm sure i will see things more clearly.

apparently this was true confession blog. why i'm telling the whole world how yucky of a sinner i am, i'm not totally sure, but here i am in all my selfish sinfulness. how it is that god still loves me despite my selfish yuckiness, my mind cannot comprehend.

help me to fix my eyes on you, lord. i know that you know best and that life with you is better than anything else. your plans are good, your ways are higher, you are a good god who is intimately acquainted with all of my ways. please help me to accept and respond to your discipline. i want to be more like you, but i can't do it by myself. i NEED you!

who is this god that i serve?

(a partial listing)

-he is willing and able to save
-he is faithful and true
-he is my good shepherd and my perfect peace
-he is the way, the truth, and the life
-he is my lord and my savior
-he is my father and my friend
-he is my refuge and my strength
-he is my ever-present help in time of need
-he is with me always even until the end of the age
-he is bigger and better

god. my god. he's right by my side at all times, will never leave nor forsake me, has my whole life, not to mention this entire universe, in his hands.

he holds all things together. he understands all things completely. he knows the beginning from the end.

my god. he's good. he's ready. he's right here.

i entrust myself to you, lord. your will be accomplished in and through my life. help me to lay all that i am down at your feet daily and to be used for your glory. i want my life to clearly point back to you in all that i am. i love you, lord. here am i, use me. amen.

the concept of "more."

the "more" of the lord isn't just for someone else, it's for me too.

i know that probably didn't make a whole let of sense, but allow me to explain. often times i seem to get into the mindset that what i have of the lord is supposed to be enough, and that is not necessarily the case...sometimes the lord may be asking me to press into him as he has more to give. it seems that so often i assume the lord has "more" to give to others, to those around me, but that i am supposed to somehow make it on what i have.

when the israelites were in the wilderness, did not the lord provide fresh manna each day? god does not expect nor does he want me to attempt to live on "day old manna." he has more for me. so much more. i just need to ask, seek, and knock.

pressing on...it's crucial.

help me, lord! when i am weak, you are strong.

scattered thoughts.

lately, my thoughts have been rather varied and scattered. i feel like there are a million things going on in my heart and mind. so much going on in every area of life that it's challenging to concentrate on any one thing. ultimately, i know that the lord is in control...it's just getting my heart and mind to believe that on a daily basis that takes discipline.

psalm 19:14 "may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, o lord, my rock and my redeemer."

more and better.

jesus really is more and better. do i live like that is the case? does my life portray that to others in a real, tangible way? those are some questions i am pondering. i want the answers to be yes.

one of my prayers lately is "purify my heart, lord. make me more like you. align my will with yours."

i am glad that we have a god who is able to sympathize with our weaknesses. imagine if that wasn't the case...if god was some distant, uninvolved god. i wouldn't want to serve a god like that much less be in an intimate relationship with him. thankfully, our god is nothing like that. he is good, caring, and intimately acquainted with all of our ways. i love that. more of you, lord. less of me.

answer.

ok. so shortly after posting my previous comment yesterday, i went to take a shower and jesus said something. (he does that sometimes.) check it out:

jesus: lisa, remember matthew 6:33-34? "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. so do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." if you simply seek me, i really will take care of the rest including the whole relationship thing.
lisa: that sounds so simple.
jesus: it isn't complicated. :-) seek me, and i'll give you further direction as needed. following me isn't some formula you have to figure out, it's a relationship...i'll make sure that you know what you need to do when it's time to do it.
lisa: cool, god. let's do that. :-)

dating question.

a dating question on lisa's blog?? oh my gosh! :-)

first of all, i do want to say that i am generally content with my life--boy or no boy. jesus makes life meaningful not some realationship. and i do have jesus! also, i am not necessarily looking for a relationship. i am, however, gathering information for future use. information gathering...it's what i do. this explains how i was given the "most inquisitive" award in sixth grade. :-)

that said, lately, (perhaps in light of several recent engagements ;-) ) i have been thinking more futuristically. at some point in my life, there will probably be a guy...unless jesus comes back before then. i would take that option in a heartbeat!

so here is the question: do i just sit back, live life, seek jesus, and wait for prince charming to come OR do i actually have to do something proactively?

this should be interesting...i want to hear your thoughts!

truth.

god's truths aren't just true in theory, they're true in practice.

on being used by jesus.

tool (n): anything used as a means of accomplishing a task or purpose

i want my life to be a tool that points people to god's goodness, something that causes people to be stoked on jesus. paul's life was like this. after paul explains his earlier life, his salvation, and his later life in christ, he says this: galatians 1:24 "and they praised god because of me." how rad is that?! lord, more of you and less of me. empty me.

so glad god's criteria is not the same as man's. check it out:
1 corinthians 1:27-31 "but god chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; god chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. he chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. it is because of him that you are in christ jesus, who has become for us wisdom from god--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. therefore, as it is written: 'let him who boasts boast in the lord.'"

so stoked it's not about me and what i can do. it's all about the lord, who he is, and what he is capable of. i love my jesus!

sovereignty.

as long as i'm seeking the lord and being obedient to him, my life will be just how he wants it to be, if he wants it to be different, he will do something to change it. all i am responsible for is seeking the lord and actively following after him; the outcomes are all in his hands. gotta love the sovereignty of god.

trust and obey. that's my role. god's the one who's responsible for results.

disclaimer: this does not mean i can resign myself to some sort of fatalism and sit back and watch life pass by. the key word is "actively" following and seeking the lord. the realization of this truth does not make life any easier in a practical sense (it's true whether i recognize it or not), but it does put my little, finite mind at ease knowing the lord is faithful and he has a plan and a good plan at that.

god. he's so good.

seven random things.

bekah "tagged" me in the whole "7 random things" deal. let's see...

1. i've never dated.

2. i've seen god heal someone physically. that was a radical experience.

3. when i was in fifth grade, my parents decided that we would up and leave our home in washington for a couple of months in the middle of the school year and head down to palm springs. random? yes.

4. one of my favorite pastimes is walking, especially on the beach.

5. i've had six different roommates in the past year. apparently there's a high turnover rate in my apartment.

6. i have this thing for written communication. i'm not sure what it is, but i'm all about texts, emails, aim...sometimes i feel like i make more sense in writing.

7. i played on the lacrosse team in high school.

enough about me. i tag cassie, the last person i know who has yet to be tagged...

expectations.

don't expect life to get easier.
do expect god to be faithful.

don't expect this world to satisfy.
do expect god to be more than enough.

don't expect to know all the answers or to understand completely.
do expect that god has a plan, and his plan is good.

god.

god.
he's speaking. am i listening?
he's here. am i present?
he's ready. am i willing?

my god.
he's so good.
so gracious.
so perfect.
why wouldn't i want to spend my life getting to know him?
what could be better? more incredible? more satisfying?

my god is the alpha and the omega.
the beginning and the end.
the first and the last.
he holds all things together, and he crafted the universe with his hands.
yet he binds up the brokenhearted and is near to the lowly and contrite of heart.

my god.
he's the greatest.

romans 8:38-39
"for i am con vinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of god, which is christ jesus our lord."

more and better.

the best thing about god is that he is always more and better than anything we could ask or imagine. not only can he do above and beyond all we could hope or ask, he is above and beyond. seriously. think about that for a second. unlike everything else in life that eventually leads to disappointment or doesn't turn out to be all that we hoped and dreamed, god is always more than we thought and better than we imagined. the best thing about this statement is that it is 100% true. it is not an exaggeration, it is not simply my own thoughts, god really is better than anything we have ever asked or hoped for. i am so stoked on that. let's live like this is the reality!

my god is the greatest!

so here is "exhibit a" for why my god is the greatest. those of you who have read my blog over the past several weeks may have picked up on a slight discouragement or uncertainty about my purpose in life, a sentiment that i was somehow missing out on doing things that made an eternal difference--the whole temporal vs. eternal thing. anyway, god addressed this with me this past sunday. here is what he said:

it's all about having an intimate, love relationship with the lord not about following practices or principles. it's not about creating opportunities to share the lord with someone. it's about being led by him in doing that. as long as i am sensitive to his leading and actively seeking him and allowing him to speak, i'll be right where i'm supposed to me. i serve a faithful god, and he will be faithful to lead and guide me when he has something for me to do or say.

i was reminded also of how jesus spent 30 of his 33 years on earth doing normal life, being a carpenter, and just living in his community. were those 30 years a waste or time? obviously not. god did not come to earth to waste time. those 30 years were purposeful. that reminder from the lord was so encouraging to me. serving the lord and being used by him does not always mean public ministry in the sense that jesus lived the last 3 years of his life.

it's all about loving god and loving others. i am just a vessel. god is the one who does the work. i just need to be ready and willing. my god will take care of the rest.

my exhortation to you: don't give up. be faithful where god has you. he has placed you there for a reason, whether you see and know that reason or not. god doesn't waste time, and he doesn't make mistakes. continue to follow hard after him for he is the rewarder of those who seek him.

grace and peace be with you today. blessings!

busy.

if i had to choose one word to describe the last week of my life, i would definitely choose "busy." my life is incredibly busy lately...mostly with work. a typical day in the life of lisa consists of the following: get up, eat breakfast, pack my lunch, read my bible, drive to work, make to do lists, complete various tasks, eat lunch, more to do lists, more tasks, go home, eat dinner, sit and not think, take a shower, brush my teeth, go to sleep. with all that said, i've been doing a slight amount of thinking. i honestly feel too tired at the end of the day to put too much thought into any one topic, but i really don't want my life to amount to nothing so i do think occasionally. i feel that to some degree, i do not interact with others in deep and meaningful ways very often in my current manner of life, and in some ways, i am in contact with a zillion people a day. how can i be a light? how can i be salt? the question of my life for the past three months. am i really willing to be like jesus in my daily life? if not, what will it take to get me to a point where i am? once again, i don't know. lord, please do whatever you need to do to make me useful to you.

-checklist life-

does your life ever feel like a checklist? like you're just "going through the motions"?

there's a difference between simply using biblical principles as a guide for my life and actively pursuing the lord and allowing him to direct my path. for me, it's easy to attempt to live my life in line with scriptural truths, but christianity is NOT about simply taking some ideas and using them as a guide for life. what god desires is an intimate relationship. the former is definitely a work of the flesh, whereas the latter is the lord's work. i want that. i don't want me trying to fulfill these things.

i need jesus.

building materials.

ever feel like your life is way too in the temporal realm rather than making an eternal impact? i have. actually, that's my current feeling, and it's not fun. daily life has a way of taking over if i'm not careful. this verse has been ringing in my head lately:

1 corinthians 3:11-14 "for no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is jesus christ. if any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the day will bring it to light. it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. if what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. if it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames."

so...pretty intense, huh? what am i building with? am i building my own kingdom or the lord's? am i doing things that matter eternally or i am stuck in the temporal? how can i be certain that i'm doing the lord's thing and not my own? definitely questions worth consideration.

here are my current thoughts: daily getting in the word, consistently fixing my eyes on him, and being disciplined in how i live my life are practical things i can do to purposefully put jesus first.

contemplations on salt and light

so there have been a few things i have been contemplating lately. you may be familiar with one of them if you've read my previous few blogs...i am still trying to figure out how to do this whole salt and light thing. i have come to the conclusion that it pretty much has to be jesus in me. it was also pointed out to me yet again that so much of the salt and light thing happens in relationship. if i don't have a relationship with someone, how are they going to see jesus in me? they won't really. that was at least semi-convicting. so much of the time, i go to work, come home, and do my own thing without even thinking twice about purposefully investing time in relationships with people who don't know the lord. i am not someone who likes to push things on people, but if i actually have a relationship with someone, it is not so much either person pushing anything as it is two people getting to know one another. it seems that if i am interested in being an effective witness for jesus, i need to be someone who actively reaches out to others with the intention of getting to know them. it's not about getting to know someone with the intention of being known, but getting to know someone with the goal of learning who they are. so...if i am actually interested in being like jesus, i need to make time in my life to get to know people, particularly people who don't know jesus or even like the church. all i have to say is that, in and of myself, i am way too in my own little world. i need jesus to make it happen.

mission-minded in daily life.

i want to be actively engaged in god's mission here on earth. this verse has been ringing in my mind for the past week...check it out:

john 10:14-16 "i am the good shepherd; i know my sheep and my sheep know me--just as the father knows me and i know the father--and i lay down my life for the sheep. i have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. i must bring them also. they too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd."

after pondering this verse, i am reminded of a couple of others...

luke 19:10 "for the son of man has come to seek and to save that which was lost."

ezekiel 34:11-16a "for thus says the lord god, 'behold, i myself will search for my sheep and seek them out. as a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for my sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day. i will bring them out from the peoples and gather them from the countries and bring them to their own land; and I will feed them on the mountains of israel, by the streams, and in all the inhabited places of the land. i will feed them in a good pasture, and their grazing ground will be on the mountain heights of israel. there they will lie down on good grazing ground and feed in rich pasture on the mountains of israel. i will feed my flock and I will lead them to rest,' declares the lord god. 'i will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken and strengthen the sick.'"

wow. my god is pretty amazing. he really loves people--a lot.

thought for the day--jesus' mission field was his daily life. normal people, normal life. yeah, he did awesome miracles, but it was all in his native country.

question for the day--god wants to use us right where we are. are we willing? are we listening?

no more underestimating the lord!

anyone else out there underestimate god much? i do. all the time. am i proud of that? no, but it's the reality of my life. a reality i am hoping to change.

here's the truth: ALL things are possible with jesus. from here on out, i have decided that i'm going to believe the reality that there's not a single thing that god cannot accomplish in and through me as long as i am submitted to him. a big claim? maybe, but i serve a big god!

i am so sick and tired of claiming, "i can't, lord" or "not me," and i'm pretty sure he's tired of it too. god is extremely patient with me, but i don't want to be like the corinthians who just weren't growing and maturing like they should have been. i want to grow and learn. i don't want to be stuck on the same lesson over and over. that is never fun.

check out what jesus had to say about our lives. he claimed that we would do greater things than he did. are you serious? greater things than jesus? yep. totally serious. check it out for yourself. john 14:12. this was followed up with the assurance that god really does answer our prayers.

so if god said that we would do greater things than he did, why isn't it happening? maybe because we're not willing or we don't really believe it could be true? i want to be one who says, "here i am, lord. send me." where's he going to "send me"? right now, he has me in my home, at my workplace, and in my church. daily life, people. that is where god has me, and your life is where he has you. how does he want to use us? to bring glory to himself and to draw people into relationship with him. those are pretty amazing tasks, but we have a pretty amazing god.

i challenge you to make yourself available to the lord this next month and see what he does. i know he'll do above and beyond. anyone with me?

disclaimer: this is NOT going to be easy. in fact, it is quite likely that it will be rather challenging and often times not fun. however, we are not doing any of this alone. we have the holy spirit living inside of us.

question to consider

what sets me apart from non-christians in a way that would make them want what i have?

no "christianese" answers allowed. what do people really want? do i have it? how do i share that? these are questions i am currently pondering...

thoughts, ideas, comments? i want to hear them all.

a jesus and lisa life

so this season of life is very much a season of "jesus and lisa." what exactly do i mean by that? well, i guess what i mean is that i feel like this is a time where jesus has me in a position where i'm almost required to go to him. also a time where i'm learning more what it means to be "in the world but not of it." i'm more "in the world" than ever before in a lot of ways, and i know god wants to use me where he has me. duh. otherwise he would put me elswhere...but at the same time i need to refrain from becoming like the world. honestly, it's a good place to be. realistically, it's not always easy to see that it's a good place to be. why? because i'm human, and god's ways are higher than mine. however, god is gracious, and i know that he is more than willing to keep me in this place until i truly grasp that he is good and actually place my hope in him. god is gracious, incredibly gracious. currently, i'm actually ok with it being me and jesus time. who else would i rather have time with? there's no one better than the god of the universe, right? my blog's getting long, so i'll be done for now. life is crazy, but god is faithful. so, so faithful!

clarification from jesus...

when you set aside some time to seek the lord, he seems to show up. at least that was my experience today. i knew that i needed to spend time with jesus. i knew that i needed to hear from him, but it wasn't happening. so i decided to read my bible. if i can't hear from god by listening maybe i can hear by reading his word? those were my thoughts. honestly, i didn't really feel like i was going to get too much out of it, and i didn't really want to read more than one day's worth of reading, but i decided it was time for that self-discipline i keep talking about. i've been behind in the "one year bible reading" for quite some time now. i've been reading my bible throughout the year, but i missed some days here and there and got behind a bit. i decided today was the day to make some progress with that. i said, "lord, i'm not hearing you, and i don't know how to make that happen, but i'm going to get in your word. speak to me if you want." guess what? he actually said some pretty cool stuff and gave me some clarity on things. check it out:

surrender-it's a choice. it's saying "i'm done going my own way, i'm ready to follow you, lord."

god's love is not like my love that is so conditional and self-serving so much of the time. his love is unconditional and self-sacrificing.

god's not up in heaven sitting on his throne distracted by a football game not hearing my cries. god is right here waiting excitedly to hear me pour out my heart to him. he really cares.

god fully understands me because he is the one who created me. he is the one who made all the intricacies of my personality so he knows them all. i never surprise the lord, and he always gets me even when i don't understand myself.

all the things i go through in my life, experiences i have, situations i am in, etc. are like tools god is adding to my "ministry tool kit." these things are purposeful. god knows what he's doing, and he's not taking me through things without a reason.

when people use people, it's out of hope for selfish gain, but when god uses people, he does it out of the selfless desire to allow us to do what he made us to do. god created me to know and love him and to know and love others. when he uses me, he is allowing me to do what is most fulfilling. he created us with the capacity and desire to be used by him. that is when life is the most worth living--when we are allowing the lord to use us.

god is pretty amazing. i should listen more closely, more often.

realizations from this week.

1. i make a lot of messes, all the time, every day.
2. in and of myself, i am super selfish and self-centered.
3. god's grace is limitless.
4. everything in this life is temporary.
5. compared to a lot of people, my life is absolutely amazing and i should have nothing to complain about, yet i am not nearly thankful enough.
6. my hope needs to be in jesus.
7. i'm not in control of my life, and when i try to be, it's not a good situation.

those are some very tangible life lessons this week. my conclusion? i need jesus. a lot.

life...

life. it doesn't usually make sense. that's what god's for. not to make it all make sense but to be in control even when things are crazy, hard, and don't make any sense. i need my jesus. i used to think god's job was to make sure i grasped what was going on in my world...so not the case. god's job is to be by my side even when it doesn't make sense. he's the one who walks me through it.

questions.

ever feel like everything you say is the wrong thing at the wrong time? that's my life lately. it's like i keep saying stuff then wondering why. what was i thinking? that whole deal. fun times, right? it's like just stop talking, lisa. sometimes it would be better that way and a lot less messy. why oh why does my little tongue get me in such seemingly big messes? i hate it. as does everyone else around me i'm sure. i'm really feeling like i'm grasping hold of the fact that on my own, there's not a lot i am capable of aside from making messes. i need jesus to do anything constructive. another question i've been pondering--why can't i just live my life without constantly analyzing it? actually multiple people in my life have asked me this question lately. another reason to consider it. why can't i just practice the whole walking by faith and not by sight thing? why do i know the truth yet not seem to grasp it practically? another area where jesus has to intervene. life without jesus is just a big mess. i need jesus at the center or else it all falls apart.

i know what i want.

1) a heart that is surrendered to the lord and that fully belongs to him
2) child-like faith to really believe that the lord is able to do what seems impossible
3) a life submitted to jesus christ

this is my wish list for jesus. i can't make any of this happen. i'm done trying. i need jesus to make it happen. do what it takes, lord.

"in need"

in need of grace
in need of love,
in need of mercy raining down
from high above.

in need of strength
in need of peace,
in need of things
that only you can give to me.

in need of christ
the perfect lamb,
my refuge strong
the great i am.

this is my song,
my humble plea:
i am your child
i am in need.

i need jesus. a lot. i can't. he can. he's willing to give. am i willing to receive? lord, get me to a place where i'm willing to take all you want me to have. i love how the lord forgives in an instant. wow. his grace is seriously amazing.

[promise]

isaiah 49:23b
"those who hopefully wait for me will not be put to shame."

jesus--he's faithful and true.

lord, help me to trust you with all that i am. even when my life is crazy, seemingly complicated, and beyond my comprehension, it's in your hands and you know and fully understand all that's going on. even more than knowing, you care and are deeply invested. wow. it's hard to believe, but i know it's true. you love me so much, lord. please help me to cooperate with all you wanna do. i wanna be your faithful servant who seeks you first and allows all these things to be added unto me. lord, help me to keep my eyes fixed on you. i love you, lord. you are good.

done with neutral.

no more walking the line. i am so over being miss neutrality. jesus calls us to be either hot or cold; he's not down with the whole lukewarm thing. lately i have spent some time thinking about how i can actively be a witness of jesus to those around me. i have come to the conclusion that this may require me to say something at some point. (duh, right?) i woke up today and purposed in my heart that i am over the whole neutral gig. my identity is in christ, and i plan to be who he created me to be--like it or not. does this give me a license to do and say whatever i please? of course not! it gives me the freedom to step out in faith, be who he made me to be, and to turn around when i get out of line. the dangerous thing about being me is that people won't be like, "oh, lisa, she's a nice person." being bold and being me means that some people will love me and some people will hate me. oh well. my identity is hidden in christ, not in the opinions of men. of course, as far as it depends on me, i plan to live at peace with people, but when there's a conflict of interest between god and people, i have to go with god. so yes. this is my decision, and there shall be no turning back. will this be easy? of course not. it will definitely be difficult and shall require perserverance and endurance. my hope is in the lord, and his word says that if my hope is in him, i will not be disappointed!!

god not people...

people are never the answer. i think i finally got this through my little head. praise the lord for that!! it's been awhile in the making...god can for sure use people in radical ways, but that's the key--it's GOD using people. in and of themselves, people can never provide you with what you're looking for. along the same lines, in and of myself i have absolutely nothing to offer to you or anybody else. i simply don't have what it takes in and of myself to meet the smallest need; however, with the lord, i have all that i need for life and godliness. that includes loving and serving you. gotta love the lord.

whose understanding?

proverbs 3:5-6 "trust in the lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."

thought for the day: why do i spend so much of my time trying to gain understanding if i'm not supposed to lean on that anyway? that makes absolutely no sense! what i need is revelation from the lord, not my own ideas.

my current life verse: 1 corinthians 2:1-5 "and when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of god. for i determined to know nothing among you except jesus christ, and him crucified. i was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of god."

there's a lot i don't know right now about pretty much every area of my life: work, people, living situations, life in general. however, the one thing i do know is jesus! he is steadfast and immovable. his word is true.

life...

lessons i'm learning: life's not all about having everything figured out or understanding all things happening in my life or in the lives of those around me. life is so much better than that. it's all about trusting the lord, seeking his face, and following after him. that's it. life in short--trusting jesus and going with it. think about it...there's a lot of freedom in that kind of life. no need to over-analyze everything, no need to know, no need to even understand. all you have to do is "trust in the lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight." who doesn't want that kind of life? i'll take it! is it easy? no. good? definitely!

my god is good, and each and every day i'm alive is a gift from him. "this is the day the lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it." life, it's not about me and it's not for me. my life is for the lord and for others. everytime god blesses people, he desires that they turn around and use that blessing to bless others. man, if i can only incorporate these truths into my daily lifestyle. that would be a life worth living. lord, i can't do this, but with you ALL things are possible!

trust...

"trust me." this is what i hear jesus saying a lot lately. "trust me, lisa." even when i don't get it, perhaps especially then. even when it's hard. even when i don't like it. "just trust." i know that i know that god is faithful and i can choose to trust. here i am, making the decision...i wanna trust you, lord. when i'm in constant communication with him, it's easier to do. help me to do that...i wanna pray without ceasing. god, i am stoked to see what you wanna do this month. i love new beginnings. august here we come! one day at a time...

after...

so after i'm finished pouring out my heart before the lord, do i take the time to listen? i feel like i've poured my heart out a lot lately, but i need to do more listening. more listening and more praying for other people. along the lines of the selfishness thing, i need to be more selfless in my prayer life. my life is not about me in any way, shape, or form. my questions need to not be centered around the topic of "is this best for me?" they need to be "your will, not mine." instead of looking to the lord for answers i want, i need to approach him on the behalf of other people and spend time before him listening to what he has to say. that's where i need to be. that's where i want to be.

a couple of my goals for august are to pray more for other people and to spend more time listening to the lord. can i do this on my own? not so much. but with the lord? for sure! all things are possible with jesus. boldness, faith, and patience. three things i need more of, and three things i have access to in christ jesus. i love that the lord is more than able and more than willing. i don't even have to beg him to help me. if i ask, he has promised i will receive. i love that he gave us promises. they are so reassuring, especially when things are crazy. the lord--he is so good!

bigger than my world...

so let's take a step back and remember how big god is. he is way bigger than my little world. i'm all about life application and realizing that god is involved in my daily life, but i think that it's equally important to step back and realize that god is way bigger than my little world. he is the lord of the universe after all, the creator of heaven and earth. i feel that sometimes i can get too caught up in my little sphere of influence and the things going on in my life that i miss out on what god's doing outside of that. i am in god's world, he's not limited to mine. i love how the lord is so gracious and patient with me. self-centered me doesn't deserve that. but that's grace, right? undeserved favor. god. he's gracious beyond belief. even with selfish, self-centered me. please break that, lord. i don't like it, and i know you hate it. more of you, and less of me. empty me.

what do i have to show?

so lately i've been doing some thinking...what about my life is something that other people would want? what makes my lifestyle more than "just another option"? why is jesus better than all the other ways? why is he THE way, THE truth, and THE life? what makes a relationship with jesus desirable to non-believers? those have been some of my questions. of course god created all humanity with the capacity to have an intimate relationship with him, and each and every person was designed with a deep longing to know jesus and to be fully known by him. but does my life show that being in relationship with jesus is deeply satisfying or am i too caught up in myself and my own little world? in the midst of all these questions, i have been convicted to live like knowing jesus makes a difference, to walk in the victory the lord bled, died, and rose again for. if i'm not living my life pointing back to christ, what's the point? there's not one. let's be honest, unless my life points others to christ, i'm not doing a whole lot of good. my job is to "let my light shine before men." so time to be real. ok, jesus, me and you. our relationship on open display. help me to live like knowing you is the greatest thing in my life. because it is. your word says i am to be known by my love. that's gotta be you, lord.

more of jesus...

i believe that we have established the fact that i want more of jesus in my life. so what's it going to take for that to happen? how can i actually have more of jesus?

this old, twangy song i used to sing at a church i used to attend comes to mind:

i want more of jesus
more and more and more
i want more of jesus
than i've ever had before
i want more of his great love
rich and full and free
i want more of jesus
so i'll give him more of me

perhaps that's my answer. if i really want more of jesus in my life, i need to submit to him. i need to "give him more of me." there's only so much room in my heart and mind; i am a finite creature after all. if my own selfishness is occupying space, i need to get rid of it in order to make room for jesus. submission--it's key. it's also hard and painful and overall not very fun. dying to self is a painful process BUT it is totally worth it in the end. obviously i can't do this on my own, but with jesus ALL things are possible, even lisa falcone becoming more selfless. i love how jesus can do miracles.

p.s. i am currently reading "absolute surrender" by andrew murray, and i would highly recommend it...it's like my life right now.

applicable truths.

jesus doesn't expect me to have it all together. in fact he knows and fully understands that i am just dust...

psalm 103:13-14 "as a father has compassion on his children, so the lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

he gets it even more than anyone else. the difference is that god has the solution. he is the solution. check it out:

i feel tired, but god says, "don't grow weary in doing good." (gal. 6:9)
i feel like i'm not seeing results. god says, "don't give up for in due time you will reap a harvest." (gal. 6:9)
i feel completely inadequate in so many ways. god says, "my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 cor. 12:29)
i feel like i've utilized every inch of grace granted to me. god says, "where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more." (rom. 5:20)

god...he cares about feelings. he cares about my feelings, your feelings. that is something i love. he actually cares.
no matter what you feel, bring it to the lord. he loves it when you pour your heart out to him. his word says so. check it out. it's for real; it's not just some "nice idea." psalm 62:8 "trust in him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him, for god is our refuge."

he made you, and he cares SO deeply about you. we can't even grasp the half of it, and absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of christ. nothing!!
romans 8:38-39 "for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord."

jesus...he's the best. he loves you so much, and he wants to be in an intimate, love relationship with you. like he actually wants that...with us. crazy, huh? believe it. he REALLY loves you with ALL that he is, and the greatest thing is that he'll never, ever leave you. i love my jesus.

truth...

2 peter 1:3-8
“by his divine power, god has given us everything we need for living a godly life. we have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. and because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. these are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. in view of all this, make every effort to respond to god’s promises. supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. the more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our lord jesus christ.”

luke 2:19

"but mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."
i think i'm gonna be mary for awhile. not sure how long...we will see.
it's not that i'm not all about sharing my life with the entire world, but i think it needs to be a little less "hi, here's who i am and where i'm at" for awhile...

just trust!!

"stop questioning me and just follow."--straight up from jesus to lisa

sometimes god has to be pretty straight up with me. i was questioning a lot of stuff, wanting to know why, and freaking out when i couldn't figure it out. i seriously felt like a deer in the headlights in a lot of ways (helpless, afraid, shocked, and confused)...but jesus told me to knock it off, stop speculating, and to just follow him. i don't have to have everything all figured out because jesus does. i don't need to know all things...i just need to seek the lord, listen to his voice, and follow after him. all i need to do is trust in jesus and let go of my need to "get it" all the time. gotta love the simplicity of that. more of you, lord, and less of me!!

follow me...

"follow me." jesus said and says to me. "you don't need to have it all figured out or know where you're going. you just need to follow me."

prov. 3:5-6 "trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight." help me to follow, lord. i only wanna go where you're calling me and do what you ask of me. nothing more, nothing less. i wanna be fully obedient to you in all things. you know best, lord. through all this, i know you are causing me to fall more in love with you, and that is an awesome thing. you are so good, god. help me to trust you with ALL that i am. you are worthy. you died so i could have an intimate relationship with you. i don't want to settle for anything less than what you have for me in any area of life. i want your best, lord, because that is what you died for. you didn't die and rise again, paying the price to redeem my life so i would take second best. you want your best for me, and i want nothing less. i love you, jesus. direct my steps. i trust you.

fyi--falling in love with jesus is the most amazing thing that could happen to a person. there's nothing else i'd rather spend my life doing.

freedom!!

"if it doesn't bring freedom, it's not from the lord."--from jesus to lisa

the lord...he's so good. his word...it's so true.

2 corinthians 3:17
"now the lord is the spirit, and where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom."

love you, lord. help me to live according to your word. your will be done in my life. help me to trust you with my whole heart and life.

let go...

i'm done with this whole tug of war theme of my life lately. i decided i want god to take the reins and keep them. i'm so over pulling them back and trying to control things. the lord knows me so much better than i know myself. he loves me so much more, and his plans are so much better. i just gotta believe that and live like it's the reality. life is so much better and less stressful that way. notice i didn't say easier. it's not necessarily easier...in fact sometimes it's harder. but in the end it's so much more fruitful when the lord's doing the leading. letting go includes letting go of my ideal plans. not just dropping all my hopes and dreams but entrusting them to the lord. he's a giver not a taker, and i want whatever he says is best. he actually knows, i just think i know. usually i'm not so right...anyways, i trust jesus with all of me. i am daily learning how to do that. this is a step by step walk i'm taking with the lord. it is definitely an adventure. gotta love living life with jesus. it doesn't get any better than that.

[here]

"god wants to be more than the solution to my problems, he wants to be the object of my affection. "--life lessons from god for me today

my god's so good to strip away stuff so i can learn to love him more...praise you, lord, for not ending this challenging season before it's time even though i've asked a million times, cried to you over and over, begging for things to be different. you know best, lord, and you are so good. thanks for doing what's best for me even when it's not fun...thank you, lord.

i know the lord has more for me in this time of life. i have no clue what it is exactly, but the lord has given me glimpses (he is so gracious to do that). i decided it's time to embrace this phase of life as it's clear that it's not ending anytime too soon. the lord has more for me here, and i'll stay here as long as it takes. more of you and less of me. continue to get me to the end of me, lord. you gotta be the one to do that. i can do absoultely nothing apart from you, but in you, i have all i need for life and godliness.

no words...

sometimes there just aren't words...that's my current situation. no words. just tears, silence, and scattered thoughts. i'm so glad jesus can interpret all this. last night i spent some time talking to him about things. "why is it like this? how long is this phase of life going to last? what's the purpose?" in the midst of my questions, i heard jesus saying, "i'm here. i'm right here." that's pretty much all i heard him say; other than that, it was silence. he is enough though, right? the most interesting thing is that overall i am pretty satisfied with my life as far as surfacey things go. it's not like i'm some emotional wreck due to circumstances...not that i would describe myself as an emotional wreck anyway, but you get my drift. why the difficulty, confusion, lack of clarity? why all the blankness of emotion and scattered thoughts? i don't quite understand, but i think that's the point. i don't need to understand, and i won't always. god is god, and i am not. his ways are higher than mine. i think it's all part of the lesson. it's evident that god's hands have been on my life all along. he's here. he's my refuge. i just gotta hold on tight. help me, lord.

flesh vs. spirit

galatians 5:17 "the sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the spirit wants. and the spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. these two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions."

this is the story of my life right now. flesh versus spirit, and my life is the battleground. not a huge fan of this war...it's like truth versus emotions or lack thereof. i am feeling so neutral or apathetic. if i'm not feeling blank, i tend to feel scattered or frustrated. it is definitely a time where i am to walk by faith and not by sight (or feeling).

i KNOW the lord is good and faithful. i KNOW i want him more than all else...even when i don't feel like it. my feelings will not rule my life. that position of ruling and reigning belongs to jesus. help me in that, lord. i can't do it on my own. i'm tired of posting blogs about frustrated feelings and other such not fun things. i am so ready for a new season, but apparently there is still more for me to gain from this time of lacking emotional affirmation for truths i know to be real. ahhh!!!! i just want to learn from this and move forward.

what does it mean to be a "grown up"?

that is my question for the day.

i welcome all responses. i'll even take feedback from random people casually perusing my blog. :-) i'm honestly looking forward to what you all have to say...

here are a few of my thoughts on the matter: i've never felt as much like i need to grow up as i do right now. part of that i'm sure is work-related, but part of it is the result of seriously examining my own actions and attitudes. i NEED to grow up...seriously. (wow, that's honest.) i've always thought of myself as a responsible individual, but growing up seems to entail more than just being responsible...

growing up is more than just getting older; that happens naturally. really "growing up" takes effort. responsibility is part of it, but there's more to being a "grown up" than not making hasty decisions. so what does it really mean? how does one "grow up"? i think a lot of it is attitude related...

so those are my current thoughts. yours?

in christ...

"remain in me, and i will reamin in you. for a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. yes, i am the vine; you are the branches. those who remain in me, and i in them, will produce much fruit. for apart from me you can do nothing." (john 15:4-5)

this is what i need. i think i've got the "apart from me you can do nothing" thing down. now it's time to actively pursue the "remain in me and bear much fruit" thing. instead of focusing solely on how i can do absolutely nothing on my own, i need to also remember that "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." (philippians 4:13) if i only focus on my own inability and weakness, i will never achieve the victory god has planned for me. i am MORE than a conqueror in christ jesus, and it's time to live like it! i'm over apathy and just coasting along. i don't want to attempt things in my own strength, but i do want to walk in ALL the lord has for me. why? because i know that's what he wants. guess what? that's what he wants for you too. he delights in using us to accomplish his will. why else are we here? to live our own little lives? i think not! my life is not about me. it's all about loving jesus and loving others. help me in that, lord! i can't do it on my own, but in you, i have all i need for life and godliness!

my life as lyrics...

not a huge fan of this video, but definitely a fan of this song...check it out. love the lyrics. i love songs that describe my feelings. this is one of my current songs...

so...back to jesus...

my life has been way too much about me lately...i feel like i've had way too much influence on my decisions. jesus is supposed to be my king. is he really? that's a question i need to seriously ask myself. if he's the king, my life should reflect him in all aspects. does it? i realize that i am a sinner saved by grace, and there will always be room for improvement. however, i also know that i need to be making progress in the right direction...not a lot else to say right now. i think i need to do more of the "be still and know he is god" thing. life. it's gotta be about jesus. else it's just not worth it.

"restless"

i decided i'm feeling restless. i don't know why or what the deal is, but i'm not a huge fan. since when do i have so many conflicted feelings? apparently since the past month of my life. i feel like i'm doing way too much thinking, and i kinda just wanna stop. there are some things i just wanna be straightforward about. i just wanna be like, "here's how it is." the only thing precluding me from doing that would be the uncertainty and inability to control others' responses. don't get me wrong, it's not like there are a bunch of hidden things in my life i wanna talk about. it's more like there are a bunch of things i've been honest about but wanna be more straightforward about. i don't know. i can't exactly explain things right now. it's a time where communication is somewhat frustrating. all i know is that what i need and what i feel like i need don't always match up. what i want may not be what i need. i need jesus to be on the throne and give orders. so glad he's above all my drama...

my prayer: 2 chr. 20:12b "for we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you." help me, lord...

work, me, and shared experiences...

i have made a few realizations about work and me. one realization is that by the end of the work day, i kind of feel as if i spent the entire day in semi-isolation. it's not like i work in some cubicle where i don't talk to anyone else in my office, but the interaction that takes place is very task-oriented and not so much actual conversation. i keep myself pretty busy all day doing whatever sort of things i feel need to be done to properly run a mentor program so it's not like i'm just chilling. so why do i feel so isolated when i spend my day around people? i think i figured out it. the difference between work and school is that although both environments require each individual to do their own work, in a school setting each person is doing the same assignments; however, in work, each person is doing something different. anyway, since i'm the one deciding what i do each day and no one else is really doing the exact same thing, i get to the end of the day and there have been few shared experiences. i don't think i have previously thought about how much i value shared experiences, but apparently they're very important to me. i have known for awhile that i value quality time, but my high value of shared experience is a new realization. so now that i now why i feel so isolated by the end of work, the next question is what to do about that. i know that jesus and i have shared every experience of my life, but that doesn't seem to change how i feel. maybe this is where i take "the way i feel" off the pedestal and place jesus on there. i know this job is where he has me, and i actually like it a lot. i know that he knows what he's doing so instead of looking to how i feel about things, i need to look at the truth of the situation. i'm guessing this is all part of the transition so hopefully it will become easier over time...

new things...

i feel like a lot of things in life right now are very new, like i'm entering a new season of life. along with all these new things, there are a variety of thoughts and feelings flooding my mind and heart. overall, this time is good, interesting, and exciting, but there is some amount of quesitoning and trying to figure things out. let's just say that i don't know everything about everything, and i feel like some things are going to have to be trial and error (well, with prayer involved). i'm trying to face my fears instead of running from them, but that is scary. and i'm trying to let go of my own will and grab hold of the lord's. the hard thing with that is knowing what's me and what's him; i feel like the line's not always so clear. i need to keep my mind fixed on jesus and my eyes on him. help me in that, lord. so i want jesus to run my life, not me. i have been reminded of that in a million different ways lately. when i do things my way, i mess things up, get hurt, or hurt others. jesus, please show me areas of my life that need to be surrendered to you. i want you to have full control and complete reign. i don't wanna do it my way. the way that seems right to me ends in death...i need you...

identity...

so i know what i wanna be when i grow up or for the rest of my life for that matter. it's not a profession or a role. i wanna be someone who is totally and completely abandoned to jesus. i want him to have complete and utter control of every aspect of my life. i just wanna lay my entire life down at his feet and be fully led by him. life doesn't get any better than that. surrendering to jesus = freedom. anything else leaves you in shackles, and i don't wanna live my life in shackles. god made me the way i am for a reason, so why not go with it?

when people first meet me, they tend to think i'm super quiet; it's this aura i apparently give off. i guess people have to actually spend time with me if they want to know me. sometimes it frustrates me that it takes so much time to get to know me, but there's no real shortcut. there are some people who you can meet once and have a fairly good idea of who they are, but that wouldn't be me. so what am i trying to say? it takes time to actually know me, and once you do, you may be surprised at how quiet i'm not. ;-) so all this to say, i think i'm more ok with just being me and being surrendered to the lord in that than i have been before. i'm stoked on that because god must be doing something with the whole finding my identity in him thing, and that is how i want it to be.

how can this be applicable to more than just me? here's how: be who god made you to be and live your life surrendered to him in that. it won't always be easy, but it's way better than any other option you have. god really does know what he's doing, and he made you who you are for a reason. please be that person. it would benefit all of us. check out 1 peter 4:10-11. :-) you are you for a reason.

when words aren't enough...

i am definitely in one of those times where i am super frustrated with me...specifically the sinful nature me. i hate how it is so hard for me to just do what the lord has for me to do. i hate those conflicted emotions--me vs. god, my will vs. his. i know deep down that his is always better, why can't i just accept that as a universal truth at all times? why do i have to see to believe? lord, please give me more faith! lately, getting in the word has been difficult. it's not that i don't love the word of god, i do. i'm actually not sure what my deal is lately or why it's so hard to really get in there. perseverance is key. i love how god never gives up on me. he's so good. other than that, it's been an interesting time of emotions. not like i've been all over the place emotionally, it's more like i am so glad that the lord knows me better than i know myself. i just don't feel able to adequately describe my life lately. words just aren't cutting it. maybe if you look into my eyes and watch my mannerisms, you'd get a clearer glimpse. maybe not. either way, my life's not really about me anyway. it's not all about how i feel or what i want. my life is about serving the king of kings and being in an intimate love relationship with him. so let's get my eyes off of me and back onto him. i'm done with the over-analyzing. i'll just wait till god tells me what's up. he will when and if it's time. for now, i'll wait upon the lord. he will renew my strength. that's a breath of fresh air. my jesus is still the best.

"empty handed but alive in your hands"

if i had to choose one word to describe my life lately, it would be "broken." the lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to be truly broken before him. i kinda thought i got what that meant before, but honestly, i am still just scratching the surface. i have been asking the lord to give me eyes to see as he does. as he has been faithful to do that, i have been realizing so much more how i have absolutely nothing of value to offer people apart from jesus. nothing else will provide anything more than temporary relief, if that. the catch is that i can't force anyone to accept god's love. i can't enable anyone to see the truth of his word. only the lord is able to do such things. my role is to represent him in my life and to be obedient to whatever he calls me to do. even in that, i am wholly dependent on jesus.

even though it's been difficult, i am loving my lesson in dependency on the lord because i know it is so necessary. it is hard in that i look around every day and see people hurting and wondering why them and when the relief will come. i see clearly that jesus has all they ever need, if only they will turn to him. i can share him and live him, but only god can do that heart work to cause them to accept him.

i had another experience with this at church this morning. i was just looking around, thinking, and praying that the lord would soften those hardened hearts. lately, it breaks my heart to see people hear the truth, know of god's love, but live like that's not a reality. for much of my life, that was me. i was someone who grew up in the church, knew god's word, didn't do too much questioning about the validity of it (i would ask for explanations and reasons behind things but i believed it to be true). i was someone who thought that being a christian meant to intellectually ascribe to a set of beliefs and live my life according to a list of what's right and what's wrong. being a christian is so much more than that. being a christian is having an intimate love relationship with jesus. it is calling to him and expecting him to answer. i serve a living, loving god, not some distant law giver. i so badly want people to know god's love because for much of my life, i didn't really grasp that. i often felt that god's love was conditional based upon my performance. that is not the case!! his love never changes. i thought god was disappointed in me and only valued me for what i could do for him. that is so far from the truth. above all else, god is concerned with my heart. these truths are difficult for me to communicate in words. the lord's gotta be the one to do the communicating. he is more than able to do so.

i know this is kinda long but my heart feels so full, i wanted to get some of it out in the open. so here it is, my heart on paper (or a computer screen). be blessed by the fact that the god of the universe is intimately acquainted with all your ways, and he wants to have a real relationship with you. i would encourage you to call to him because he will answer you and tell you great and mighty things which you do not know (jer. 33:3). if he is able to work in me, he is certainly able to work in and through you. he is able to turn the hardest heart toward him, it just requires surrender.

my god is so good!!

i love serving a god who delights in going above and beyond. what could be better? so this past week was high school camp. as a leader i was going into it with the expectation that i had nothing to offer in and of myself but had all i needed in jesus. i did not want to go through the process of trying to do it on my own, failing, then turning to god. i was hoping to bypass that whole cycle by just starting off by admitting that i have nothing to give in and of myself. i felt like it was a good place to be. however, god certainly taught me a lot about how desperate i really am for him. it was actually pretty intense, but i'm grateful for the lesson. so there were like 64 kids at camp, and like half of them were new kids or kids who don't usually come to youth group. praise the lord for how many kids he brought!! also, this camp was super intense for me. i was like, "lord, i have absolutely nothing to give. i can't change kids' hearts. they need you." variations of that prayer were my life this past week. jesus brought me to the ultimate breaking point on friday when all i could do for a good hour or so was sit on this bench under a tree crying to the lord, literally crying--as in snot all over my towel. it was good times with jesus but super hard. i was so broken about the fact that kids were exposed to the truth of god's love and faithfulness and could ascribe to the belief but couldn't really receive it. i so badly wanted them to know god's love. i saw how broken they were, how in need of love. i saw the solution, jesus, but couldn't do anything else to make them "get it." in and of myself, i'm totally selfish and cry about things related to me, but this time the lord broke my heart for these kids. it was good but hard. good because for once, i wasn't crying over myself and my own little life. hard because there was absolutely nothing i could do to change these kids' hearts; that had to be the lord. luckily, the lord is so faithful to do so. my favorite verse in times like these is the one in philippians about god being faithful to complete the works he begins. that has to be one of my favorite promises of the lord. anyways, all this to say, god did some amazing stuff this week--he changed lives, brought repentence, and opened eyes. my god truly is amazing, and i am so, so, so desperate for him. he alone can satisfy the need of every living thing. i serve a big god. absolutely nothing is impossible for him. he can change the hardest hard, and he delights in doing so. check out ezekiel 36:25-27. hope in the lord does not disappoint! help me keep my hope in you, jesus!

a little update...

so lately life has been a little crazy. it's been good but busy. the obvious statement of the day is that work takes a lot of time. duh. but now that i'm actually doing it, it's even more obvious. at least work is good. thank you, lord. gotta love how the lord provides for every situation, work included. lately, i have been realizing to a greater degree how much god really has his hands all over my little life. i'm really excited about that because it allows me to have greater anticipation and faith for the future, my future in particular. i have long understood that god provides for me, but it is only recently that i have begun to understand that he is a loving father who takes into consideration my desires when making provisions. not that i will always have everything i want or every situation will match my little dream, it won't. but god is good. he knows me better than i know myself, loves me more than i love myself, and he's the one who's got it all in his hands. who would you rather have doing your life planning? a few weeks ago i made a post about marriage...i've returned to that topic a few times recently (why? i don't know, maybe because i'm a girl?), but this time more with anticipation rather than fear or dread. i know that god has it all under his control, and he'll work out that area of my life in his timing. so glad i don't have to figure it all out or secure the perfect (or at least god-following, lisa-loving ;-) ) husband. it's been cool to realize god's goodness and to be reminded of his faithfulness. these reminders have allowed me to trust him more with areas of my heart and life that i really want to go a certain way (eg. marriage, relationships, etc.). i know that god's way is the best way, and who doesn't want the best in their lives? i do. (random sidenote: i know that life doesn't always seem to be "the best," and if your life's shambles right now, be encouraged because god still has it in his hands. our lives are continually a work in progress. gotta love how our god never gives up.)

life lessons from jesus to lisa...

last night was pretty amazing. we had a women's bible study at church, and god was so faithful to meet us there. he always is, right? anyway, it was a good time for jesus to finally speak to me. i was all settled down, the work week was over, and now my attention was on him, where it should have been all along. you gotta love how patient and gracious the lord is. i do. anyways, the lord reminded me of some simple truths last night so i thought i'd share them with you. here they are:

1) often times, jesus didn't wait for people to come to him, but instead he would go to them. ex.-zaccheus, the woman at the well, etc. (another reminder to me about the whole being bold and stepping out in faith thing. definitely a life lesson for lisa right now. boldness in the lord.)

2) jesus is with me at all times, and he HAS been with me all along. there has never been a time where he hasn't been by my side. (this one was huge for me. unlike other people who walk in and out of my life, jesus has been there all along. he's known me since before time. he's not like everyone else who comes and goes, he's consistently there. how rad is that? god not only is with me in the present and will be with me in the future but he was with me in the past. i think it's easy for me to forget about that aspect of things. this reminder rocked my little world.)

3) god loves me (us) more than i (we) can ever understand, and his plans are way above and beyond all we could ask or imagine. god is completely good, and my life thus far has been good--not because it's always been easy, idyllic, or perfect in my eyes (it certainly hasn't), but because it has been in jesus' hands, and he is good. he doesn't protect me from all that is hard or painful, but he is with me all along the way, waiting for me to surrender those things to him so he can carry them. man, my jesus is so, so good. how can such an amazing god love us (me) so much? it's all part of the mystery...

hope these litte reminders bless you guys. they certainly rocked my little world.

jesus, be the center

i NEED, NEED jesus to be the center of my life...my life is not about me. i am not to live my life looking first to my own needs, wants, etc. also, my life isn't about if i'm the most amazing, most loved, most successful person. my life needs to be about jesus and seeking him. even if that means i don't get the things, attention, friends, whatever i think i want. guess what? jesus knows what i really want, and as i've pointed out before he is the giver of every good and perfect gift. why don't i trust him more? let's be honest, when i do trust him, it rocks my world. he is always so incredibly faithful, and he goes above and beyond. i hate not trusting god more. this isn't some essay on how much better life is with jesus (although that is the truth), this is a journal entry from a girl who is over her life not being enough about jesus (why i'm posting it for you to read, i don't know, but apparently i am). i'm definitely entering into a new season of life, and i need jesus to be the center. i don't want my relationship with jesus to be mundane. i don't want it to be routine. i want it to be the realationship of my lifetime. i just need to fix my eyes on him, take them off of all the other things in my life, and submit to his leading. lord, i know your plans are good, and i really do wanna walk in them. please do what it takes to make that happen. thanks, god, for hearing and answering. i look forward to being closer to you.

new job...

today was my first day at my new job. one of my overall sentiments is that i feel like i need to be more "grown up" now that i have a "real" 40 hr/wk job. i had to go purchase some new additions to my wardrobe yesterday so i would have the proper attire for my new "business casual" dress code. fun times. shopping in the "career/wear to work" section made me feel all professional or something, and i felt kinda out of place. "professional lisa" is a new look that may take some getting used to--collared shirts, slacks, little sweater outfits...anyways, more important than my attire is the job itself, right? :-) i think it's gonna be good. one thing i'm confident in is that this is where the lord has me right now, and he is always completely faithful. so i'm stoked on that. i'm also confident in the fact that i'm going to need him a lot, especially these next few months when i'm formulating a game plan for the upcoming school year's mentor program. a lot of responsibility's in my hands, and i'm deciding to place it in the lord's hands. that way i know it won't all fall to pieces. gotta love how the lord is so reliable. i know i do. this new season is for sure going to be challenging and a time of growth. i'm going to need to be more assertive and confident than i usually am...that is definitely going to be one of the main challenges. i've been praying for boldness over the past year; here's my chance. i know i can be assertive when i need to be, but let's just say it's not in my immediate realm of comfort. but let's be honest...how often does jesus say, "hey lisa, let's keep you in your little comfort zone." um, maybe not so much. it's more like, "hey lisa, get out of your little bubble, speak up, and get out there." oh lord, help me walk in that; that my confidence would be in you and my identity hidden in you. and so the journey begins...

feelings...

it's so interesting to note how quickly emotions can change. one minute i can be on top of the world, and the next i can feel like i'm falling on my face. i'm so glad that the truth never changes, and that the lord is steadfast and unwavering. he's seriously so good. these up/down emo moments are the times when i appreciate the unchanging character of the lord even more. my emotions are just emotions; they don't dictate the truth. amen to that!! my identity is in christ, and it is not derived from my view of me or others' views of me. i feel like i'm taking a risk posting this because it could definitely make me sound like some emo roller coaster girl, but whatever, maybe someone can relate.

guess what??

so the job search is now officially over. jesus landed me the perfect position. i couldn't have asked for anything better. yay jesus! you rock my world! wanna know what i'll be spending my time doing from 9-5ish monday through friday? if you're still reading this, i'm guessing you wanna know. so i'll be working for the santa barbara council on alcoholism and drug abuse as their "mentor program coordinator." yay! i'm super excited, slightly nervous, but i know it will all be good. jesus is with me wherever i go including work...maybe especially work. :-) the coolest thing is that this job is doing something that i believe in. i'm all about kids having support from caring adults. who's not really? and i'm definitely someone who enjoys administrative things so "coordinator," although slightly scary, should be a good role. definitely a role where i'll need jesus, but when is there a time i don't need him? hmm...let's see. um, never. so once again, yay for jesus! can i just say god is so incredibly good! he really, really is! god does provide, and he for sure goes above and beyond!!

p.s. here's a link to info on the mentor program i'll be coordinating if you're interested: http://sbcada.org/en/fighting-back/mentor.html

"job interview lisa"

I thought I would post a pic of "Job Interview Lisa." Today was interview #8! So many interviews...at least I can honestly say that I feel fairly comfortable in the interview setting by this point. It's actually not that bad, but I am hoping to be near the end of the job search process. I am pretty interested to see what the Lord has in store for me this next season of life. Whatever it is, I know that He has a purpose and that it will be good. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17) My God is so good! I especially love the part about not changing. Right now, it kinda seems that everything around me is changing, but not my Jesus. :-) Gotta love the steadfastness of the Lord. I do!

let's talk about jesus!!

so i know that talking about my life is fun, but it's even more fun to talk about jesus!! so here we go...jesus is really good! so, so good!! words can't really explain how good, but i will attempt...my comfort zone limits god's work, but when i step out of it, god is so incredibly faithful to complete his work. lately, i feel like god has been wanting me to grow in boldness (kinda scary). i tend to be someone who is pretty quiet when i first meet people and someone who waits for people to approach me or for people to in some way invite me to talk to them. lame, i know, but that's how it is. lately, jesus has been like, "um, lisa, you can't just sit around waiting for people to come to you. you have the truth, and you need to take it to others." it's not a truth or my truth, but the truth. it is not relative! think about it this way--jesus wants each and every person to have an intimate love relationship with him. he created each one of us with the need to have that relationship with him in order for us to be fulfilled. without that relationship, we are always searching, whether we're aware of it or not. it's not like sharing jesus with others is me sharing "my beliefs" or just "my testimony;" it's me sharing with them what god has already created them to want and need. of course, there may be resistance to the truth because the enemy has blinded the minds of unbelievers (2 Cor. 4:4), but jesus is more than able to remove those scales. anyways, tonight i had the awesome experience of stepping out of my little comfort zone in obedience to the lord and seeing god do rad things in people's lives. god truly does answer prayer! i am seriously so stoked on jesus right now! why don't i listen to him more often? god wants to do above and beyond, and he wants to use me. how rad is that?! yay for jesus!!

the job hunt continues!

i'm still on the hunt for a job, and i am pretty much back at square one with that. i turned down the 2 jobs i was offered, and i am now looking in a new field. i think that i would like to explore more of the administrative field. i've been doing the whole working with kids thing pretty much my whole life, and i know that i have really enjoyed the organizational and administrative aspects of jobs i have had before. so i figured, why not at least see if there are any possibilities in that field...once again, i reiterate the fact that GOD HAS A PLAN. i have no idea what it is, but he does. honestly i'm not feeeling stressed about it because i know it will all work out, but i am somewhat frustrated that i don't even know what i want to do with my life. i feel like most people have at least some idea of what they wanna do, but me...maybe not so much. if i could have any job in the entire world, i'm still not sure what i would want to do. wow. there's always something going on in my life!

sometimes i just wanna run away...

ever get that feeling like you just wanna run away from everything that's going on in your life? i kinda feel like that today. not that my life isn't good, but sometimes it seems that running away would be the easiest option. you get to go somewhere new, start over, have a fresh slate...that is my romanticized version of running away. in reality, it probably wouldn't be so care free, easy, or simple, and there would for sure be things and people i would miss. i pretty much feel that i'm where i'm supposed to be for now; i just need to figure out what that really means. what am i called to? how should i spend my time and energy? what should my priorities be? so many questions, and so few direct answers. all that i know for sure is that i need to be planted where i'm at...whatever that means. i declined two job offers today, and i'm not totally sure what's next. we shall see. i will keep ya posted. i know the lord has it all under control. the key point is that it's all under HIS control, not mine.

why blog?

well, let's see. what to say today? i feel like there are so many topics i could tackle right now. it's like i have a reservoir of things to say, but i feel like i've been a little deep lately so it's time for a swim in the shallow end. :-)

ever think about this whole blogging thing in-depth? i mean why do we write out all this stuff for others to read? i think about my posts, and a lot of the stuff i write is stuff that would be difficult for me to talk about in person, stuff that would result in somewhat awkward conversations if they were face to face. sometimes i feel like i'm pretty much putting my little heart on a page. so instead of actually talking about it, i write things in a post for anybody to read...something about that seems a little strange. but obviously not strange enough to keep me from posting...i think that one of the attractions of writing a blog is that in some ways it feels safer than talking to a person. a blog can't disagree with you, create awkward situations, result in tension, and it allows you to say everything you wanted to say without getting interrupted or distracted. those are what i would consider pros, but sometimes i wonder how deep is too deep? how much is too much to share with the entire world (or at least the handful of people who know this blog exists)? i guess as long as it's something i'm ok with people knowing, i'll write about it. i think there are quite a few things i'm perfectly fine with people knowing but not so sure i want to tell them face to face. so those are my thoughts on blogging. i think as long as it doesn't replace honest conversations, it's all good. :-)

posting again?

so i know this is the second post of the day, but i feel like there's been a lot going on in my life lately--especially with regard to my heart and my mind. first, check out this verse. it goes along with the theme of my earlier post about being broken before the lord and surrendered to him completely. john 12:24-25 "i tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. but its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives. those who love their life in this world will lose it. those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity." that kind of attitude has to be the lord; i can't get there on my own. help me, god! other than that, i've been thinking about so many other random things lately: life goals, ministry stuff, career, relationships, family, friends, marriage, purpose, the list could continue...mostly, i just want jesus to be at the center giving marching orders for me to follow. life with him in control is the only way to go. that is life and life abundantly.

*warning* this next section is all about my thoughts on marriage. :-)

another topic i've been thinking about a little bit lately is marriage. i know, i know, such a typical girl topic to think about. don't worry, i don't have my wedding all planned out or anything like that, but i have been thinking about the whole concept of marriage lately. last semester, i took a class on marriage, and i feel like i learned a lot. the emphasis of the class seemed to be on the difficulty of marriage with a couple of examples of the joy of marriage at the very end of the class. if the purpose was to prevent hasty, thoughtless marriages, i think it should have succeeded. however, i don't think i would be one to jump into marriage anyway. not like i have that option right now, but that's beside the point...basically, marriage kinda scares me because it's such a big commitment. i am definitely someone who's all about commitment, but that sort of life-long commitment is kinda a big deal, ya know? anyways, i've also been thinking about the high standard i hold for the person i'd want to marry: they gotta love jesus a lot, serve him and others in their daily lives, be open and honest about their lives/thoughts/feelings, a good listener, thoughtful, respectful, responsible, and considerate. i guess that pretty much covers my "list." oh, and they have to love me for who i am--that's huge. :-) i think that's everything. why am i thinking about marriage anyway? i'm not dating anyone, in fact i never have. i guess it's just because random people will ask me questions about dating, marriage, etc., and i'm not gonna just bring it up in random conversations so i figured i'd make a post. obviously, i didn't meet someone in college. so now what? i'll just wait on the lord. i don't think i'm in any hurry to jump into a relationship, but i'd rather not be 30 and still single really...we'll see what happens. random, i know. never know what you're gonna get when you read my posts. :-)

brokenness at the beach...

so i spent some time this morning with jesus at the beach, and this is what came from our time...

salty tears run down my cheeks as i listen to songs of god's love and delight in me. a combination of complex emotions produce these tears--sadness, loneliness, uncertainty, a sense of completeness in the lord, awe at the perfection and completeness of his love and his willingness and desire to be my EVERYTHING, frustration that others can't really see me--that no one sees me like jesus does. my heart has so many emotions. i'm glad to finally cry, but i'm not sure what it accomplishes. i feel like i can be real with jesus. it's my most intimate and honest relationship, and i think it's true that some things can only be learned in pain. maybe that's this season--a time of growth through pain. in the face of uncertainty, one thing is clear--jesus wants all of me and most of all my heart. take it, jesus. lord, please let me stay in this place of brokenness until i have the fullness of what you have for me here. snot running down my face, teary eyes, and to you this is beautiful. no one else sees that, but you who see most clearly and know me most deeply, see me as PERFECT in your sight. lord, this i can't even comprehend. you are SO incredibly good!

After all this, I felt like the lord sighed, and was like, "good job, lisa. we've reached the end of you, now it's my turn."

so over myself...

i am so incredibly glad that my life is not all about me. technically, my life is not even mine: i was bought at a price so i am to honor god with my body (1 cor 6:19-20). this life belongs to jesus, and i am here to do what he has prepared for me to do-nothing more and nothing less. that may not sound appealing to some who may fear that obeying jesus means giving up all fun and fulfillment; however, this is far from the case. in fact, god is the giver of every good and perfect gift...nothing good is found outside of him. also, he loves and knows me best so his plans are perfect for me. he created me just as i am (minus the sinful nature of course), and he wants to use me as me. he doesn't ask for me to become someone else in order to be useful in the building up of his kingdom. he has given me specific gifts and roles, and he expects me to walk those out. he's all about using me when i am being who he created me to be. i can't really do a good job of being anyone else anyway, can i? i love that god's love for me never changes and am so glad that he gives me a purpose beyond anything this world has to offer. my jesus is the best, and i want everyone to know him. :-) i truly believe that if anyone really sees god for who he is, they'll fall in love with him. he's just so good! unveil our eyes, lord!! allow us to see you as you truly are, and make us more like you!

more than a cost-benefit analysis...

i've been thinking a lot latley about how to make godly decisions, as may be obvious by my previous post. i've come to the conclusion that decisions need to be more than a simple cost-benefit analysis. if all i'm doing is making a list of pros and cons, benefits and costs, that makes me the center of the equation and doesn't leave room for god or even much room for others. ultimately, the main factor in my decision making needs to be "what does god have for me?" don't get me wrong, i still do my little cost-benefit analysis thing. i make mental lists of pros and cons, but in the end, i gotta take those things to the lord and ask that his will be done. i love the promise that when we ask anything according to his will, he hears us, and we have that for which we have asked(1 John 5:14-15). your will be done, lord, in EVERY area of my life!!! simple prayers are the greatest. :-) i'm pretty excited to see what the next step is, but more excited that i don't have to do it alone. gotta love the lord and his faithfulness!

decisions...

i NEED to pray. this much i know. decisions have to be made, but i don't have clarity yet. i feel like it has been quite the journey thus far of figuring out the next step (aka where to work). i have completed four interviews and two full days of training over the last week and a half, and i have two more interviews scheduled this week as well one more the beginning of next week...it's kind of an intense schedule. i don't mind the interviews, but it would be nice to have more clarity about where to be and what to pursue. my prayer is that god will make it super clear and close doors where he wants them closed. i know this isn't some sort of life or death decision, but work will be a huge part of my life. forty hours a week is a lot of time, and i want to spend it wherever i can be the most effective for the kingdom of god. i know god can use me anywhere, but i also know that he knows where would be best. lead me, lord!!

ever just wanna cry?

so i don't want to seem overly emotional or anything, but ever have those times where you kinda just wanna cry but you can't really? those times where so many things are super unclear, confusing, uncertain, or just not fun? that's kinda where i'm at right now. don't get me wrong, my life isn't complete shambles, but there are a lot of things on my heart and mind. it's one of those times where i'm feeling so full of thoughts, ideas, and emotions to the point where it's kind of hard to talk about stuff. it's a time where i am so incredibly thankful that the lord already knows my thoughts and understands me completely without me having to explain and re-explain myself. not that i don't love talking to people about these things or that i don't value processing through stuff, but right now, i'm at this place where i'm super thankful at least someone gets me fully. i hate being in a place where i feel unable to talk about all the things i am thinking about or feeling. it's probably on my top five most annoying things list--not being able to express myself clearly. for now, i will have to continue reminding myself that my jesus knows and cares and that it won't always be this way. it's just a phase of life, and hopefully one that will result in growth. sometimes i just wish there were an easier way to grow...oh well. i am confident that it will all work out in the end. it may not ever make sense or be fun, but i trust that if i seek the lord during this time, it will be purposeful.