after...

so after i'm finished pouring out my heart before the lord, do i take the time to listen? i feel like i've poured my heart out a lot lately, but i need to do more listening. more listening and more praying for other people. along the lines of the selfishness thing, i need to be more selfless in my prayer life. my life is not about me in any way, shape, or form. my questions need to not be centered around the topic of "is this best for me?" they need to be "your will, not mine." instead of looking to the lord for answers i want, i need to approach him on the behalf of other people and spend time before him listening to what he has to say. that's where i need to be. that's where i want to be.

a couple of my goals for august are to pray more for other people and to spend more time listening to the lord. can i do this on my own? not so much. but with the lord? for sure! all things are possible with jesus. boldness, faith, and patience. three things i need more of, and three things i have access to in christ jesus. i love that the lord is more than able and more than willing. i don't even have to beg him to help me. if i ask, he has promised i will receive. i love that he gave us promises. they are so reassuring, especially when things are crazy. the lord--he is so good!

bigger than my world...

so let's take a step back and remember how big god is. he is way bigger than my little world. i'm all about life application and realizing that god is involved in my daily life, but i think that it's equally important to step back and realize that god is way bigger than my little world. he is the lord of the universe after all, the creator of heaven and earth. i feel that sometimes i can get too caught up in my little sphere of influence and the things going on in my life that i miss out on what god's doing outside of that. i am in god's world, he's not limited to mine. i love how the lord is so gracious and patient with me. self-centered me doesn't deserve that. but that's grace, right? undeserved favor. god. he's gracious beyond belief. even with selfish, self-centered me. please break that, lord. i don't like it, and i know you hate it. more of you, and less of me. empty me.

what do i have to show?

so lately i've been doing some thinking...what about my life is something that other people would want? what makes my lifestyle more than "just another option"? why is jesus better than all the other ways? why is he THE way, THE truth, and THE life? what makes a relationship with jesus desirable to non-believers? those have been some of my questions. of course god created all humanity with the capacity to have an intimate relationship with him, and each and every person was designed with a deep longing to know jesus and to be fully known by him. but does my life show that being in relationship with jesus is deeply satisfying or am i too caught up in myself and my own little world? in the midst of all these questions, i have been convicted to live like knowing jesus makes a difference, to walk in the victory the lord bled, died, and rose again for. if i'm not living my life pointing back to christ, what's the point? there's not one. let's be honest, unless my life points others to christ, i'm not doing a whole lot of good. my job is to "let my light shine before men." so time to be real. ok, jesus, me and you. our relationship on open display. help me to live like knowing you is the greatest thing in my life. because it is. your word says i am to be known by my love. that's gotta be you, lord.

more of jesus...

i believe that we have established the fact that i want more of jesus in my life. so what's it going to take for that to happen? how can i actually have more of jesus?

this old, twangy song i used to sing at a church i used to attend comes to mind:

i want more of jesus
more and more and more
i want more of jesus
than i've ever had before
i want more of his great love
rich and full and free
i want more of jesus
so i'll give him more of me

perhaps that's my answer. if i really want more of jesus in my life, i need to submit to him. i need to "give him more of me." there's only so much room in my heart and mind; i am a finite creature after all. if my own selfishness is occupying space, i need to get rid of it in order to make room for jesus. submission--it's key. it's also hard and painful and overall not very fun. dying to self is a painful process BUT it is totally worth it in the end. obviously i can't do this on my own, but with jesus ALL things are possible, even lisa falcone becoming more selfless. i love how jesus can do miracles.

p.s. i am currently reading "absolute surrender" by andrew murray, and i would highly recommend it...it's like my life right now.

applicable truths.

jesus doesn't expect me to have it all together. in fact he knows and fully understands that i am just dust...

psalm 103:13-14 "as a father has compassion on his children, so the lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

he gets it even more than anyone else. the difference is that god has the solution. he is the solution. check it out:

i feel tired, but god says, "don't grow weary in doing good." (gal. 6:9)
i feel like i'm not seeing results. god says, "don't give up for in due time you will reap a harvest." (gal. 6:9)
i feel completely inadequate in so many ways. god says, "my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 cor. 12:29)
i feel like i've utilized every inch of grace granted to me. god says, "where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more." (rom. 5:20)

god...he cares about feelings. he cares about my feelings, your feelings. that is something i love. he actually cares.
no matter what you feel, bring it to the lord. he loves it when you pour your heart out to him. his word says so. check it out. it's for real; it's not just some "nice idea." psalm 62:8 "trust in him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him, for god is our refuge."

he made you, and he cares SO deeply about you. we can't even grasp the half of it, and absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of christ. nothing!!
romans 8:38-39 "for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord."

jesus...he's the best. he loves you so much, and he wants to be in an intimate, love relationship with you. like he actually wants that...with us. crazy, huh? believe it. he REALLY loves you with ALL that he is, and the greatest thing is that he'll never, ever leave you. i love my jesus.

truth...

2 peter 1:3-8
“by his divine power, god has given us everything we need for living a godly life. we have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. and because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. these are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. in view of all this, make every effort to respond to god’s promises. supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. the more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our lord jesus christ.”

luke 2:19

"but mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."
i think i'm gonna be mary for awhile. not sure how long...we will see.
it's not that i'm not all about sharing my life with the entire world, but i think it needs to be a little less "hi, here's who i am and where i'm at" for awhile...

just trust!!

"stop questioning me and just follow."--straight up from jesus to lisa

sometimes god has to be pretty straight up with me. i was questioning a lot of stuff, wanting to know why, and freaking out when i couldn't figure it out. i seriously felt like a deer in the headlights in a lot of ways (helpless, afraid, shocked, and confused)...but jesus told me to knock it off, stop speculating, and to just follow him. i don't have to have everything all figured out because jesus does. i don't need to know all things...i just need to seek the lord, listen to his voice, and follow after him. all i need to do is trust in jesus and let go of my need to "get it" all the time. gotta love the simplicity of that. more of you, lord, and less of me!!

follow me...

"follow me." jesus said and says to me. "you don't need to have it all figured out or know where you're going. you just need to follow me."

prov. 3:5-6 "trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight." help me to follow, lord. i only wanna go where you're calling me and do what you ask of me. nothing more, nothing less. i wanna be fully obedient to you in all things. you know best, lord. through all this, i know you are causing me to fall more in love with you, and that is an awesome thing. you are so good, god. help me to trust you with ALL that i am. you are worthy. you died so i could have an intimate relationship with you. i don't want to settle for anything less than what you have for me in any area of life. i want your best, lord, because that is what you died for. you didn't die and rise again, paying the price to redeem my life so i would take second best. you want your best for me, and i want nothing less. i love you, jesus. direct my steps. i trust you.

fyi--falling in love with jesus is the most amazing thing that could happen to a person. there's nothing else i'd rather spend my life doing.

freedom!!

"if it doesn't bring freedom, it's not from the lord."--from jesus to lisa

the lord...he's so good. his word...it's so true.

2 corinthians 3:17
"now the lord is the spirit, and where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom."

love you, lord. help me to live according to your word. your will be done in my life. help me to trust you with my whole heart and life.

let go...

i'm done with this whole tug of war theme of my life lately. i decided i want god to take the reins and keep them. i'm so over pulling them back and trying to control things. the lord knows me so much better than i know myself. he loves me so much more, and his plans are so much better. i just gotta believe that and live like it's the reality. life is so much better and less stressful that way. notice i didn't say easier. it's not necessarily easier...in fact sometimes it's harder. but in the end it's so much more fruitful when the lord's doing the leading. letting go includes letting go of my ideal plans. not just dropping all my hopes and dreams but entrusting them to the lord. he's a giver not a taker, and i want whatever he says is best. he actually knows, i just think i know. usually i'm not so right...anyways, i trust jesus with all of me. i am daily learning how to do that. this is a step by step walk i'm taking with the lord. it is definitely an adventure. gotta love living life with jesus. it doesn't get any better than that.

[here]

"god wants to be more than the solution to my problems, he wants to be the object of my affection. "--life lessons from god for me today

my god's so good to strip away stuff so i can learn to love him more...praise you, lord, for not ending this challenging season before it's time even though i've asked a million times, cried to you over and over, begging for things to be different. you know best, lord, and you are so good. thanks for doing what's best for me even when it's not fun...thank you, lord.

i know the lord has more for me in this time of life. i have no clue what it is exactly, but the lord has given me glimpses (he is so gracious to do that). i decided it's time to embrace this phase of life as it's clear that it's not ending anytime too soon. the lord has more for me here, and i'll stay here as long as it takes. more of you and less of me. continue to get me to the end of me, lord. you gotta be the one to do that. i can do absoultely nothing apart from you, but in you, i have all i need for life and godliness.

no words...

sometimes there just aren't words...that's my current situation. no words. just tears, silence, and scattered thoughts. i'm so glad jesus can interpret all this. last night i spent some time talking to him about things. "why is it like this? how long is this phase of life going to last? what's the purpose?" in the midst of my questions, i heard jesus saying, "i'm here. i'm right here." that's pretty much all i heard him say; other than that, it was silence. he is enough though, right? the most interesting thing is that overall i am pretty satisfied with my life as far as surfacey things go. it's not like i'm some emotional wreck due to circumstances...not that i would describe myself as an emotional wreck anyway, but you get my drift. why the difficulty, confusion, lack of clarity? why all the blankness of emotion and scattered thoughts? i don't quite understand, but i think that's the point. i don't need to understand, and i won't always. god is god, and i am not. his ways are higher than mine. i think it's all part of the lesson. it's evident that god's hands have been on my life all along. he's here. he's my refuge. i just gotta hold on tight. help me, lord.

flesh vs. spirit

galatians 5:17 "the sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the spirit wants. and the spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. these two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions."

this is the story of my life right now. flesh versus spirit, and my life is the battleground. not a huge fan of this war...it's like truth versus emotions or lack thereof. i am feeling so neutral or apathetic. if i'm not feeling blank, i tend to feel scattered or frustrated. it is definitely a time where i am to walk by faith and not by sight (or feeling).

i KNOW the lord is good and faithful. i KNOW i want him more than all else...even when i don't feel like it. my feelings will not rule my life. that position of ruling and reigning belongs to jesus. help me in that, lord. i can't do it on my own. i'm tired of posting blogs about frustrated feelings and other such not fun things. i am so ready for a new season, but apparently there is still more for me to gain from this time of lacking emotional affirmation for truths i know to be real. ahhh!!!! i just want to learn from this and move forward.

what does it mean to be a "grown up"?

that is my question for the day.

i welcome all responses. i'll even take feedback from random people casually perusing my blog. :-) i'm honestly looking forward to what you all have to say...

here are a few of my thoughts on the matter: i've never felt as much like i need to grow up as i do right now. part of that i'm sure is work-related, but part of it is the result of seriously examining my own actions and attitudes. i NEED to grow up...seriously. (wow, that's honest.) i've always thought of myself as a responsible individual, but growing up seems to entail more than just being responsible...

growing up is more than just getting older; that happens naturally. really "growing up" takes effort. responsibility is part of it, but there's more to being a "grown up" than not making hasty decisions. so what does it really mean? how does one "grow up"? i think a lot of it is attitude related...

so those are my current thoughts. yours?

in christ...

"remain in me, and i will reamin in you. for a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. yes, i am the vine; you are the branches. those who remain in me, and i in them, will produce much fruit. for apart from me you can do nothing." (john 15:4-5)

this is what i need. i think i've got the "apart from me you can do nothing" thing down. now it's time to actively pursue the "remain in me and bear much fruit" thing. instead of focusing solely on how i can do absolutely nothing on my own, i need to also remember that "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." (philippians 4:13) if i only focus on my own inability and weakness, i will never achieve the victory god has planned for me. i am MORE than a conqueror in christ jesus, and it's time to live like it! i'm over apathy and just coasting along. i don't want to attempt things in my own strength, but i do want to walk in ALL the lord has for me. why? because i know that's what he wants. guess what? that's what he wants for you too. he delights in using us to accomplish his will. why else are we here? to live our own little lives? i think not! my life is not about me. it's all about loving jesus and loving others. help me in that, lord! i can't do it on my own, but in you, i have all i need for life and godliness!

my life as lyrics...

not a huge fan of this video, but definitely a fan of this song...check it out. love the lyrics. i love songs that describe my feelings. this is one of my current songs...

so...back to jesus...

my life has been way too much about me lately...i feel like i've had way too much influence on my decisions. jesus is supposed to be my king. is he really? that's a question i need to seriously ask myself. if he's the king, my life should reflect him in all aspects. does it? i realize that i am a sinner saved by grace, and there will always be room for improvement. however, i also know that i need to be making progress in the right direction...not a lot else to say right now. i think i need to do more of the "be still and know he is god" thing. life. it's gotta be about jesus. else it's just not worth it.

"restless"

i decided i'm feeling restless. i don't know why or what the deal is, but i'm not a huge fan. since when do i have so many conflicted feelings? apparently since the past month of my life. i feel like i'm doing way too much thinking, and i kinda just wanna stop. there are some things i just wanna be straightforward about. i just wanna be like, "here's how it is." the only thing precluding me from doing that would be the uncertainty and inability to control others' responses. don't get me wrong, it's not like there are a bunch of hidden things in my life i wanna talk about. it's more like there are a bunch of things i've been honest about but wanna be more straightforward about. i don't know. i can't exactly explain things right now. it's a time where communication is somewhat frustrating. all i know is that what i need and what i feel like i need don't always match up. what i want may not be what i need. i need jesus to be on the throne and give orders. so glad he's above all my drama...

my prayer: 2 chr. 20:12b "for we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you." help me, lord...

work, me, and shared experiences...

i have made a few realizations about work and me. one realization is that by the end of the work day, i kind of feel as if i spent the entire day in semi-isolation. it's not like i work in some cubicle where i don't talk to anyone else in my office, but the interaction that takes place is very task-oriented and not so much actual conversation. i keep myself pretty busy all day doing whatever sort of things i feel need to be done to properly run a mentor program so it's not like i'm just chilling. so why do i feel so isolated when i spend my day around people? i think i figured out it. the difference between work and school is that although both environments require each individual to do their own work, in a school setting each person is doing the same assignments; however, in work, each person is doing something different. anyway, since i'm the one deciding what i do each day and no one else is really doing the exact same thing, i get to the end of the day and there have been few shared experiences. i don't think i have previously thought about how much i value shared experiences, but apparently they're very important to me. i have known for awhile that i value quality time, but my high value of shared experience is a new realization. so now that i now why i feel so isolated by the end of work, the next question is what to do about that. i know that jesus and i have shared every experience of my life, but that doesn't seem to change how i feel. maybe this is where i take "the way i feel" off the pedestal and place jesus on there. i know this job is where he has me, and i actually like it a lot. i know that he knows what he's doing so instead of looking to how i feel about things, i need to look at the truth of the situation. i'm guessing this is all part of the transition so hopefully it will become easier over time...

new things...

i feel like a lot of things in life right now are very new, like i'm entering a new season of life. along with all these new things, there are a variety of thoughts and feelings flooding my mind and heart. overall, this time is good, interesting, and exciting, but there is some amount of quesitoning and trying to figure things out. let's just say that i don't know everything about everything, and i feel like some things are going to have to be trial and error (well, with prayer involved). i'm trying to face my fears instead of running from them, but that is scary. and i'm trying to let go of my own will and grab hold of the lord's. the hard thing with that is knowing what's me and what's him; i feel like the line's not always so clear. i need to keep my mind fixed on jesus and my eyes on him. help me in that, lord. so i want jesus to run my life, not me. i have been reminded of that in a million different ways lately. when i do things my way, i mess things up, get hurt, or hurt others. jesus, please show me areas of my life that need to be surrendered to you. i want you to have full control and complete reign. i don't wanna do it my way. the way that seems right to me ends in death...i need you...

identity...

so i know what i wanna be when i grow up or for the rest of my life for that matter. it's not a profession or a role. i wanna be someone who is totally and completely abandoned to jesus. i want him to have complete and utter control of every aspect of my life. i just wanna lay my entire life down at his feet and be fully led by him. life doesn't get any better than that. surrendering to jesus = freedom. anything else leaves you in shackles, and i don't wanna live my life in shackles. god made me the way i am for a reason, so why not go with it?

when people first meet me, they tend to think i'm super quiet; it's this aura i apparently give off. i guess people have to actually spend time with me if they want to know me. sometimes it frustrates me that it takes so much time to get to know me, but there's no real shortcut. there are some people who you can meet once and have a fairly good idea of who they are, but that wouldn't be me. so what am i trying to say? it takes time to actually know me, and once you do, you may be surprised at how quiet i'm not. ;-) so all this to say, i think i'm more ok with just being me and being surrendered to the lord in that than i have been before. i'm stoked on that because god must be doing something with the whole finding my identity in him thing, and that is how i want it to be.

how can this be applicable to more than just me? here's how: be who god made you to be and live your life surrendered to him in that. it won't always be easy, but it's way better than any other option you have. god really does know what he's doing, and he made you who you are for a reason. please be that person. it would benefit all of us. check out 1 peter 4:10-11. :-) you are you for a reason.

when words aren't enough...

i am definitely in one of those times where i am super frustrated with me...specifically the sinful nature me. i hate how it is so hard for me to just do what the lord has for me to do. i hate those conflicted emotions--me vs. god, my will vs. his. i know deep down that his is always better, why can't i just accept that as a universal truth at all times? why do i have to see to believe? lord, please give me more faith! lately, getting in the word has been difficult. it's not that i don't love the word of god, i do. i'm actually not sure what my deal is lately or why it's so hard to really get in there. perseverance is key. i love how god never gives up on me. he's so good. other than that, it's been an interesting time of emotions. not like i've been all over the place emotionally, it's more like i am so glad that the lord knows me better than i know myself. i just don't feel able to adequately describe my life lately. words just aren't cutting it. maybe if you look into my eyes and watch my mannerisms, you'd get a clearer glimpse. maybe not. either way, my life's not really about me anyway. it's not all about how i feel or what i want. my life is about serving the king of kings and being in an intimate love relationship with him. so let's get my eyes off of me and back onto him. i'm done with the over-analyzing. i'll just wait till god tells me what's up. he will when and if it's time. for now, i'll wait upon the lord. he will renew my strength. that's a breath of fresh air. my jesus is still the best.

"empty handed but alive in your hands"

if i had to choose one word to describe my life lately, it would be "broken." the lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to be truly broken before him. i kinda thought i got what that meant before, but honestly, i am still just scratching the surface. i have been asking the lord to give me eyes to see as he does. as he has been faithful to do that, i have been realizing so much more how i have absolutely nothing of value to offer people apart from jesus. nothing else will provide anything more than temporary relief, if that. the catch is that i can't force anyone to accept god's love. i can't enable anyone to see the truth of his word. only the lord is able to do such things. my role is to represent him in my life and to be obedient to whatever he calls me to do. even in that, i am wholly dependent on jesus.

even though it's been difficult, i am loving my lesson in dependency on the lord because i know it is so necessary. it is hard in that i look around every day and see people hurting and wondering why them and when the relief will come. i see clearly that jesus has all they ever need, if only they will turn to him. i can share him and live him, but only god can do that heart work to cause them to accept him.

i had another experience with this at church this morning. i was just looking around, thinking, and praying that the lord would soften those hardened hearts. lately, it breaks my heart to see people hear the truth, know of god's love, but live like that's not a reality. for much of my life, that was me. i was someone who grew up in the church, knew god's word, didn't do too much questioning about the validity of it (i would ask for explanations and reasons behind things but i believed it to be true). i was someone who thought that being a christian meant to intellectually ascribe to a set of beliefs and live my life according to a list of what's right and what's wrong. being a christian is so much more than that. being a christian is having an intimate love relationship with jesus. it is calling to him and expecting him to answer. i serve a living, loving god, not some distant law giver. i so badly want people to know god's love because for much of my life, i didn't really grasp that. i often felt that god's love was conditional based upon my performance. that is not the case!! his love never changes. i thought god was disappointed in me and only valued me for what i could do for him. that is so far from the truth. above all else, god is concerned with my heart. these truths are difficult for me to communicate in words. the lord's gotta be the one to do the communicating. he is more than able to do so.

i know this is kinda long but my heart feels so full, i wanted to get some of it out in the open. so here it is, my heart on paper (or a computer screen). be blessed by the fact that the god of the universe is intimately acquainted with all your ways, and he wants to have a real relationship with you. i would encourage you to call to him because he will answer you and tell you great and mighty things which you do not know (jer. 33:3). if he is able to work in me, he is certainly able to work in and through you. he is able to turn the hardest heart toward him, it just requires surrender.