"empty handed but alive in your hands"

if i had to choose one word to describe my life lately, it would be "broken." the lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to be truly broken before him. i kinda thought i got what that meant before, but honestly, i am still just scratching the surface. i have been asking the lord to give me eyes to see as he does. as he has been faithful to do that, i have been realizing so much more how i have absolutely nothing of value to offer people apart from jesus. nothing else will provide anything more than temporary relief, if that. the catch is that i can't force anyone to accept god's love. i can't enable anyone to see the truth of his word. only the lord is able to do such things. my role is to represent him in my life and to be obedient to whatever he calls me to do. even in that, i am wholly dependent on jesus.

even though it's been difficult, i am loving my lesson in dependency on the lord because i know it is so necessary. it is hard in that i look around every day and see people hurting and wondering why them and when the relief will come. i see clearly that jesus has all they ever need, if only they will turn to him. i can share him and live him, but only god can do that heart work to cause them to accept him.

i had another experience with this at church this morning. i was just looking around, thinking, and praying that the lord would soften those hardened hearts. lately, it breaks my heart to see people hear the truth, know of god's love, but live like that's not a reality. for much of my life, that was me. i was someone who grew up in the church, knew god's word, didn't do too much questioning about the validity of it (i would ask for explanations and reasons behind things but i believed it to be true). i was someone who thought that being a christian meant to intellectually ascribe to a set of beliefs and live my life according to a list of what's right and what's wrong. being a christian is so much more than that. being a christian is having an intimate love relationship with jesus. it is calling to him and expecting him to answer. i serve a living, loving god, not some distant law giver. i so badly want people to know god's love because for much of my life, i didn't really grasp that. i often felt that god's love was conditional based upon my performance. that is not the case!! his love never changes. i thought god was disappointed in me and only valued me for what i could do for him. that is so far from the truth. above all else, god is concerned with my heart. these truths are difficult for me to communicate in words. the lord's gotta be the one to do the communicating. he is more than able to do so.

i know this is kinda long but my heart feels so full, i wanted to get some of it out in the open. so here it is, my heart on paper (or a computer screen). be blessed by the fact that the god of the universe is intimately acquainted with all your ways, and he wants to have a real relationship with you. i would encourage you to call to him because he will answer you and tell you great and mighty things which you do not know (jer. 33:3). if he is able to work in me, he is certainly able to work in and through you. he is able to turn the hardest heart toward him, it just requires surrender.